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For Love and Honor

By

 

Shana Willoughby

 

 

 I canÕt believe you are already thirteen; where did the years go?  I would have bet anything that time would stand still, allowing me the opportunity to spoil you as a child, forever.  Funny, life doesnÕt operate like that, would you agree?  As my daughter, you have been with me throughout my military career and I would not have asked for it to be any other way.  Truly you are my rock; the one thing in my life that I can look at and have no regrets!

It is written, Òthere is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavenÓ (Ecclesiastes 3:1).  I write this verse because as you continue to grow, mature, and become wiser you will experience varying seasons in your life.  This season of separation between you and I is a season in both our lives that has caused me to take a look at my life as a woman who happens to be a Marine, but who is a Mother first. As you continue to grow, I want to be able to share in every season of your life as a reminder that the harsh, bitter, and stormy winds of Winter will not always last; Spring will eventually come and when it does you will be able to embrace the beautifulness of your Winter season, which will enable you to  become firmly planted. 

Every time I look at you I am reminded of the many blessings I have been given throughout my life.  I love you dearly and I will always love you.  Your faith in me has been amazing and sometime unbelievable; I often wonder do you think I am Òsuperwoman?Ó  Dear daughter, I hate to disappoint you, but I am not a Òsuperwoman,Ó and honestly I donÕt think that I would ever want to be; I am content with knowing that as your Mother I have flaws and these are flaws that I donÕt desire to keep hidden or locked away, but to allow you to always see my humanness and simple put my heart. Although you are currently living with your father now, I want to communicate my thoughts towards you as IÕve done before, so if you were to ever have doubts or fears you can refer back to this letter.  HereÕs my heart to you, my precious daughter.  

October 3, 2008:  After talking to you on the phone, I have so many emotions going through my body at one time; I am happy that you made it to a safe place but scarred that the ending could have turned out much worse and the surrounding circumstances that lead you to run away.  I am angry with your dad for not knowing what the hell is going on in his own household and angry at myself for not taking you with me when I PCSÕs to San Diego, CA, because this entire year and a half youÕve been living with your dad has been a major headache for me. 

Not being able to hold you is the hardest thing for me, because every time youÕve hurt or were afraid I was there.  I have to keep busy, I tell myself.  My daughter needs me to remain strong for her; I canÕt fall apart, because then who will be there for both of us?  How did I ever get here?

February 14, 1996:  ÒLook at you; you are a big ball of nervousness!Ó  Who would have thought that you would have actually said ÒyesÓ to his proposal?  ÒWhy do you want to marry him, anyway?Ó  So many questions run through my mind as I prepare to pick out a suitable dress for a quickie ceremony at the Justice of the Peace, in which I will become officially married.  I ignore every signal my body sends me, as I place one foot in front of the other, and make my way out the door to meet my future husband.

You canÕt very well runaway from your fears, because they will always hunt you down and make you confront them.  A marriage out of convenience can only last as long as both parties agree to play the part, right?  Looking back I know I only agreed to marry your dad because he is your father.  At the time, I truly believed that everything would work itself out, but as we have moved forward in time, I now know that this has probably played a pivotal part in the strains of your fatherÕs and I relationship.          

October 4, 2008: OMG, itÕs only 2 a.m. and IÕm wide-awake, ugh!  I hate when my mind is so overwhelmed with thoughts that sleep goes on vacation.  Oh how my body aches for the tender arms of my lover, sleep.  Last night was an uneventful night, I didnÕt sleep well at all, because my mind has physically separated itself from my present location and I am with you, but itÕs not enough, because I want to be right beside you.  Did you sleep well last night?  I canÕt believe that IÕm at this place again, where I am completely helpless!  I have thought on more than one occasion of going UA (Unauthorized Absence) and dealing with the ramifications of my actions upon my return.  Please donÕt think that I regret for one minute being in the military, because I donÕt, itÕs just that I find days where I am in disagreement with the policies and guidelines currently in place governing military personnel.

 Ever since I checked into MALS-11, in lovely Miramar, CA, I have been on the go; I worked at MALS-11 for approximately 2 weeks before being told that I was coming to Yuma, AZ to fulfill the role of barracks manager for WTI.  Could this have come at a more inconvenient time, I mean IÕm waiting on housing, which means my storage will have to be extended because my 90 day period will be over at the beginning of March, and oh by the way I need to find someone who can take off work to come sign for my household goods, once I play phone-tag with the individuals at the TMO office just to find out the proper process to request for an extension, great!  So here I am again in lovely Yuma, AZ for another great WTI, and after informing the Maintenance Chief and SgtMaj last night about you running away, I find that I still have to wait.   Here. I. Wait.

               October 5, 2008:  Today I wreaked havoc on myself for the things I canÕt control; it sucks, because as your Mother I have this innate ability to try and take away all your pain so you will never hurt in life.  I love you so much and I want you to always remember that you are the child in which I prayed for, but received so much more.  Never think that you are a mistake or unwanted.  Unfortunately there are things we inherit because we grew up in a certain environment or household that cause us a great deal of pain and emotional baggage, but these should never define your future!  Dear child, can I give you my heart as deeply as I know how; can you allow me to tell the story of me, sharing every emotion, whether good, bad, or ugly?  Can you allow me the opportunity to be unveiled before you? 

               Being separated from you is the hardest thing for me, even after 15 years of being in the military it is something I donÕt ever get accustom to.  Some random thoughts for you to digest, before coming to CA I settled in my mind to be content with being the ÒotherÓ parent, meaning I was ok with being the parent who visited during special occasions and other times , sending you gifts and letters through the mail, and sending financial support.  The reason I was content with this decision is because I see how hard it is for you to be away from family so I chose to be the one that sacrificed having you with me while I finished out my last five years in the military.  I never want you to think you have to choose between your father and me because you donÕt.  Although I donÕt feel about my family and your father the way you do, this does not erase how I feel for you and how much I want you to never feel like youÔre being torn between us.  I guess I never really thought about the toll or stress you may deal with as being a child of a single-military person.  As a military person, I have taken on the mindset of learning to leave old places without regret and to accept new ones for what they looked like, nothing more and nothing less.  But as a child itÕs probably not as easy to disassociate yourself from family and friends only to start over again in a new place.  And now this is where I find myself at another crossroad.

               October 6, 2008:  I talked to a friend of mine today and I feel a little better, but I hate being patient.  She gave me some insight; she can truly relate to my feelings because she is a mother herself and she also grew up living with her father because her mother was in the Army.  She let me know that she always wanted to live with her mother, but was never afforded the opportunity.  She spent time with her mother but this was never enough; she expressed how there were times she experienced feelings of betrayal, anger, bitterness, and total longing towards her mother.  Hearing this made me afraid, but at the same time gave me ears and eyes to see from a different perspective.  Being a single parent is already hard, but then you add on the fact that I am in the military and it seems to intensify the situation, and everybody always has their Òtwo-centÓ to add, which really pisses me off!  I wish I could see into the future, but I canÕt, I can only do what I believe is best for you, and you alone.  You are about to enter into high school and this brings about a whole new batch of questions and concerns that I honestly donÕt know if IÕm prepared to handle.  I will not take the cowardÕs approach and run away leaving you to fend for yourself.  I have come to terms with knowing that while in the military providing you with consistency is not a guarantee, especially now with all that is going on; deployment, long hours, inconsistent work schedules, and being on unfamiliar territory are just a few basics of being a child of the military; there are other issues that come into play as a child gets older and becomes attached to peers, simply put most children donÕt like change.  Who am I kidding if IÕll be honest with myself I donÕt too much care for change either!  So this leaves me to come up with a solution that has your best interest at heart, because at the end of the day, I donÕt care what my superiors think of me and nor do I care what individual Marines think of me, you are all that matter and I want your best, at all times.

               Here we go again, IÕm finding it harder and harder to get up these days; what does this mean, I suppose?  I canÕt wait to see you, hold you, and tell you how beautiful you are.  I canÕt wait to hear how your day progressed while at school.  I canÕt wait Ôtil the separation is over, for good.  I am sorry to repeat myself, but I donÕt know what the future holds, but I trust that this season will spring forth in beauty from a heart that has completely surrendered.  Today as I was on my way to work, Charles Stanley was on the radio and he was speaking on coming to the place in our lives where we are completely emptied of ourselves and our foolish gain, and as I began to ponder what he said, I began to think about Proverbs 3: 5,6 that states, ÒTrust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.Ó  During this season, I have become bitter, angry, and unapproachable because I have felt unfairly treated, but as I listened to CharlesÕ message I began to understand that all my anger and bitterness is directed towards God.  IÕm unsatisfied.  IÕm at a place where my footing is unsure; a dry a thirsty place.  A place where what use to satisfy doesnÕt quench my thirst anymore.  Darling daughter, IÕm scarred and I donÕt know what my next move will be, but I do know that you will always be first in my life and I will never be too busy for you.  Again, I want your best and your best only, so as I set plans in motion I would like to leave you with this simple prayer:  ÒGod grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.Ó

               I love you now and for always,

Mom