stages of death by charnel kennedy

If there is anything that is most certain to happen in our unpredictable lives it is Death. We are fearful of Death and change because we cannot control them, we know not when, how, or where it will happen, and we are most certain that with death always comes change. Upon receiving news of death, many people go into the stages of grief immediately. We can neither change nor alter these events, which continuously shape our lives sometimes for the best, most times for the worse; these uncontrollable events cause massive stress which leads to grieving. I believe that when we educate ourselves on subjects such as death and the stages of grief it will help to prepare us, and allow us to accept things we cannot change. Benefit or curse of knowing that you have lost a loved one or that you yourself are dying, all people experience the same stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. (Gould)  Denial, the first stage of grief death is refusal to accept or even acknowledge the fact that death has come or is around the corner. “Grief is a natural reaction to loss… there is no correct way to grieve and no timetable for grieving” (Gale Broadway1). This stage allows the griever to put a hold on everything that they have been hit with; it allows them time to think and process what they are being told. For humans, this is a common behavior in any situation; we tend to not want to talk about our problems and pretend as if it does not happen at all. The stages of death may be different for the person who has passed away. If the life was long then death is more expected, however if a life was cut short or at a young age then grieving might be a little harder (Bear 1). About a year ago this past February, an eight year old boy from my church named Tyler lost his battle against Leukemia. At first I was very difficult for me to realize that the innocent child with the bright smile and vibrant character could have ever been sick. At the moment I heard of his death I felt as though a rug had been taken from under me, I didn’t know what to do. I could not think; I did not believe what my mother was saying. There was no way on earth or in heaven that the sweetest, innocent baby had died. The Second stage of grief is anger. This stage is full of rage; it is the verbal and at times physical releasing of pain experienced during this state of change. (Stages of Grief 1). Like all of these stages this is a completely normal stage, which can normally result in more changes that can deeply affect the family. “It usually occurs when an individual feels helpless or powerless…sometimes the individual is angry at a higher power, at the doctors…” (Web MD 1). Your life feels out of control, and nothing you or anyone else does or says that will change it. However, it is important for us as responsible citizens to seek comfort in knowledge and in the safety of help. “The effects of traumatic loss in each of the stages of family development depend on whether the family members are moving toward or away from the family unit in a given stage” (Shep 1). It is important during times of struggle and death that the family stay together so that each member can receive the support he or she needs. When I lost my friend Tyler to leukemia, I couldn’t understand why or even how could he go? He was a few weeks past his eighth birthday and a few weeks older than my closest sibling. I became angry at the thought that he was too young and barely lived, and even more hostile at the thought that it could have been my brother. I was angry but I did not know who or what to be angry at, and although it could have been unsafe I held in all the pain I harbored and used it to change my mind set on my life and life in general. Bargaining is a very important stage; it is the stage where the dying or the griever attempts to change the future or alter the past respectively. Bargaining is reasoning with doctors or a higher power in hopes that a more worthy being might be able to stop the death. “If this stage of grief is not dealt with or resolved, the individual might live with intense feelings of guilt or anger that can interfere with the healing process” (Web MD1). As I viewed the people crying and depressed in the sanctuary of our church speaking in tongues and yelling, I realized that we were all sad about Tyler leaving, and whether we hated it or not, he was gone. His mother was the most distraught of all. What could we say to make her feel better? There was nothing we could do but cry. We all knew it was too late to bargain too late to regret. Depression is the fourth stage. It is an illness involving a person’s entire body, mental and physical state. Depression impacts the way we eat, our thoughts, self esteem, and the way we sleep (Franklin 1). After receiving news of a loved one dying or hearing that you are dying, an overwhelming sadness creeps in and settles in the crevices of our pretentious smiles and volatile rage. The inability to do anything, helplessness, is bitter and stings with extreme intensity. This is the point at which many become depressed and sad. I myself didn’t witness depression in the aftermath of Tyler’s death; however, it was quite visible on the faces of his younger siblings who just could not grasp why their brother wasn’t there anymore. It was even harder to explain to the kids of the church that it was okay to laugh and play, that Tyler would want them to be happy. Acceptance: the final stage of submitting to the entity far beyond your control. This stage only comes after all the others are completed. Many people find this the hardest thing to do; but, if I accept it then I am giving up, and I am not a quitter. This stage can take months maybe even years. This stage for me was the most important, because I finally let go, and a weight was lifted. When I finally accepted Tyler’s death I had went in a full circle. This is the stage that many may seek assistance for, often times people find it hard to accept the death of loved ones or even the fact that they are dying. Accepting death doesn’t necessarily mean being ready to die, or giving up, we are never ready to die. It just means that the patient realizes that there is no more that can be done. It is the stage where we have already forgotten and forgiven all those who did wrong things to us, the stage where we comfort our loved ones and confirm how “Okay” we are, with smooth caresses and gentle smiles.” Understand that the feelings will occur, try to keep them in perspective… if there are any unresolved issues that cause particular emotional pain, forgive yourself and others…” (Bear 1). This stage took me a little while to achieve for the simple fact that he was a child and it could have been me, it was a hard hit that helped me to open my eyes. I still find myself shedding a tear once in a while and wishing that he were still alive, however as I write this paper I am able to identify with all of the stages that I experienced. We can never truly be released of our fear of death. However, since the beginning of time, we have grown and changed. Grieving is a way of accepting change. During the stages of grief we find ourselves in disbelief and constantly asking why. This in itself is perfectly normal because it is a process in healing and overcoming our obstacles in life. As we accept life and embrace it we should do the same for death. It is an uncontrollable and inevitable matter in every person’s life. We are all human and therefore not invincible, and although it is a touchy subject talking about death before and after it occurs might help us to heal a little better. We are afraid of the unknown because it is in darkness, until we decide to educate ourselves and step into the light, we will always be afraid, and scared. Life holds man pains and sorrows just like losing a loved one, but perhaps if we allow ourselves to see that our loved one is in a better place we can accept that which we cannot change. Charnel Kennedy is a high school student and a military family member. This essay was written while Charnel was a college student in Mrs. Drumm’s English 101. Both Charnel and Mrs. Drum believe her essay might be of comfort to anyone experiencing the loss of a loved one. Work Cited Bear, Judy. Stages of Grief. 2006. Mar 1. 2009 http://www.cancersurvivors.org/Coping/end%20term/stages.htm Broadway, Marsha D. “Dealing with death: Books to help young people cope with grief. June. 2008 Health reference Center Academic. Gale Technical college of low country. Mar 3. 2009 http://find.galegroup.com/ixt/start.do?prodid=HRCA Gould, Barbara Family Remembrances Five Stages of dying http://www.seedsofknowledge.com/dying.html 2008 Franklin, Donald J. PhD. Psychology Information Online.2003 http://www.psychologyinfo.com/depression/description.html Shep, Franklin J. Helping Grieving people: When Tears are not enough: a handbook for care providers. New York Taylor& Francis Routledge, 2005 March 1. 2009. Stages of Grief. April 19.2009. <http://www.memorialhospital.org/library/general/stress-THE- 3.html>